This week has been rainy and relatively dark and with such weather conditions are the ghosts and demons is always near the surface, waiting for the words of a song or a conversation with a friend to let go intrusive thoughts and memories. May it come as little surprise that, since my best friend has fallen for someone else, it was in my mind with everything that happened between us, as I am fighting to let the feelings I was too afraid to admit before. This week, it is not the memories that haunt me, but the things I never said.
Yesterday, he and I had a conversation about how sometimes there are things that you do not say. He and the girl had a … spit? And he said that the problem is that it does not always tell if something is wrong. Well, I know all this. I am one of those who rarely opens on things in life that bother me. I still think I should be handling on my own, or you do not like how it sounds. You do not want the other person angry. Whatever the reason, these are the unspoken grievances that will destroy it. In fact, with another of my managers, we’ll call him my prince of Bohemia, which has always been our biggest problem. We never told each other what was the penalty until we have grown and festered inside us for so long that it goes down like a demolition ball on our relationship.
Whatever the reason, good, bad, or simply a defense, we do not always speak our minds. I think these are the unspoken words that haunt us most of those you can never say. Maybe someone upset you, but if you do not then the thoughts just battery until you are basically living a lie.
Then there are things you do not say at the time because you’re scared. I think I post of nearly wordpress at least half a dozen times for at least a month before he made on me. That the words I never said that I regret, and for me it is a big problem. I tried to live my life without regret, but when it comes to him, there is a whole mess of it because I left my fears, guard me something wonderful.
This does not mean that I do not like his new girlfriend or that I am not happy for them. I want to make that perfectly clear before getting bitched at the latest, even for writing this. I wanted to discuss him or my feelings for him for a long time because I do not want to cause problems for them or get screamed, but this is my process. So I sort of things in my life out. If you look at my facebook posts you see so many on the Prince of Bohemia: before we started when we went, and after I realized our relationship was a sinking ship and jumped overboard. It’s just the way I work. On this, I will continue with my point of view.
What I am trying to get this morning is that sometimes you do not say things and for whatever reason, they most often tend to be things that you regret the most. If you’re in a relationship and you are not your thoughts and feelings known, then you’re looking at a disaster waiting to happen. Do not say it is the same as a lie and you end up resentful of the person you are and not even know why. If you crash or fall in love-take the risk, you may be rejected or misunderstood, but it is better than never know. You can not take granite that someone is always there because one day you’re about to wake up and they will be happy with someone else and you’ll wish you had told them how you were so difficult that the fight against it to get better because of them, they inspire you, you who wanted to be the person they deserve. You have to say that everything you need is just a little more time before you’re ready. You’ll have to tell them how much you love them.
Yes, I like yet, but I’m working on the release. There is a big difference between being on top of him and letting go. They say there is nothing worse than watching the person you love, love someone else, but I beg to differ. There is nothing worse than watching the love of someone else, and knowing that if you had said something sooner they will love you. All this is compounded by the fact that it is your best friend and you act as his girlfriend and you want the best for them. It is quite a conflict of interest.
And now I’m stuck because I want to say that I spent in excess of doing things because of a boy apparently I do not. It is almost the first year of high school once again where I not only joined the FFA, but became an active member for all that I can be near my Gay Boyfriend. Here I am a young bonding, with a job, a puppy on the road, and not long before my best friend did on me, I decided to be secretary of the Young Democrats. Why? Insanity, my friends, pure madness.
In closing, I leave you with this: Do not let fear rule. Say what you mean and never stopped. Rejection is not bad that half of the application forever. Besides, who knows, if you open your mouth and talk about your secret truths you may feel the same way. While I would let go of the last animals of my feelings for my best friend and close the door on what we had I never thought that maybe just once I will write all the words that haunt the failure called and then burn them and let the wind carry the ashes. After all, despite my urgings to say these words, I know I never will. The time when these words are of importance has increased and now they are just one thing keeping the door open.
